my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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