i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
