I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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