a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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