We won't sleep together?
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
