Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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