I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
