??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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