i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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