I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
