fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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