Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
