her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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