The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
