Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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