We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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