I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
and you fell through a lawn chair
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
