ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Randomize
