totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
