I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
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