Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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