a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
