My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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