I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
