i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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