Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
worst night to have a conscience
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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