she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Watching her eat just hurts me
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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