i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
