Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
