dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Randomize
