I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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