i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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