I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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