If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
