I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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