he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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