My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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