i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
