Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
