Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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