UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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