Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
She even gives head with a lisp.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
