the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
