So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
