I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
