No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
