I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
