I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
