I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
