the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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