It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
